Upstairs: Really, Really Ous't

Not to beat a dead horse, but is there anything lamer than a secret club trying to get more customers by hiring promoters to promote the club's secretness. Answer: No. Another email begging us to come to Upstairs came in, and this thing is truly next level.

If you don't know who Danny -A- is or don't want to Google HIM do not try to get into this club. I was there last night and he was blowing out losers and short people. We were hanging out with Leonardio DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Shakira and a room full of runway models. This is where these people go to AVOID commoners.

It is a PRIVATE club. It is above Cafe Bari on the corner of Spring and Broadway. The doorman is a stocky, really cool black guy named Wayne. His PERSONAL phone number is 646-515-^&*(removed). Call him at 11:30 and tell him Danny -A- gave you his number and you are going to stop by in a little while. If he asks, and he probaly won't, tell him you met Dannay -A- at a model party a few weeks ago. If he asks if you want a table SAY NO, that you are just stopping by. The club opens at midnight. To get in go at exactly 12:30 and you better be dressed HOT and COOL. If you are a guy you MUST have at least one tall woman with you OR YOU WILL NOT GET IN. Two women are better. Two or more men together WILL NEVER GET IN.

You should ONLY go as a couple the first time you go. Go in, have few drinks, and then come down later and hang out a bit and get to know Wayne the doorman. A $20 tip will help him remember you. He is really cool and KNOWS EVERYONE he lets in. This club is for the elite. IF this is you, then GO.

The club is small, intimate and PACKED with six-foot runway models. If you want to whine and say sour grapes and that this is not for you, fine DON'T GO. Otherwise, to continue to get the passwords for the two other SUPER HOT new NY clubs, send us a report AFTER you get in to Cafe Bari. Once you go to Cafe Bari and give us a report, we will send you the info for the other two new super hot clubs in town.

Oh man. Someone really wrote this? A human being? This is just too much for us to handle. We have hired 3 interns to parse through all the details. But now we know, Upstairs is really, really ous't.