Friday, September 28, 2007

Upstairs: Really, Really Ous't

Not to beat a dead horse, but is there anything lamer than a secret club trying to get more customers by hiring promoters to promote the club's secretness. Answer: No. Another email begging us to come to Upstairs came in, and this thing is truly next level.

If you don't know who Danny -A- is or don't want to Google HIM do not try to get into this club. I was there last night and he was blowing out losers and short people. We were hanging out with Leonardio DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Shakira and a room full of runway models. This is where these people go to AVOID commoners.

It is a PRIVATE club. It is above Cafe Bari on the corner of Spring and Broadway. The doorman is a stocky, really cool black guy named Wayne. His PERSONAL phone number is 646-515-^&*(removed). Call him at 11:30 and tell him Danny -A- gave you his number and you are going to stop by in a little while. If he asks, and he probaly won't, tell him you met Dannay -A- at a model party a few weeks ago. If he asks if you want a table SAY NO, that you are just stopping by. The club opens at midnight. To get in go at exactly 12:30 and you better be dressed HOT and COOL. If you are a guy you MUST have at least one tall woman with you OR YOU WILL NOT GET IN. Two women are better. Two or more men together WILL NEVER GET IN.

You should ONLY go as a couple the first time you go. Go in, have few drinks, and then come down later and hang out a bit and get to know Wayne the doorman. A $20 tip will help him remember you. He is really cool and KNOWS EVERYONE he lets in. This club is for the elite. IF this is you, then GO.

The club is small, intimate and PACKED with six-foot runway models. If you want to whine and say sour grapes and that this is not for you, fine DON'T GO. Otherwise, to continue to get the passwords for the two other SUPER HOT new NY clubs, send us a report AFTER you get in to Cafe Bari. Once you go to Cafe Bari and give us a report, we will send you the info for the other two new super hot clubs in town.
Oh man. Someone really wrote this? A human being? This is just too much for us to handle. We have hired 3 interns to parse through all the details. But now we know, Upstairs is really, really ous't.


leila downtown broker said...

Danny a is cool cat, and okay boys if you got money you will get in and the gals will be all over you. have great weekend

Dan said...

Possibly the worst thing I have heard since I returned from Iraq, its this kind of douche bag/self aggradizing/class-less BS that has turned NYC from a once great American city into a den of horrible young 20 and 30 somethings that spend their weekends playing at one ups-manship and sycophantic maneuvering. The people involved in the promotion of this club should be ashamed of themselves, but in this town there is not a chance of that.
-An old Marine

Slappy said...

How gay are YOU. Pretty fucking gay

Anonymous said...

Only 1000 numbers to call

Libertygirl said...

Why, why wld anyone bother? Given the much-vaunted clientele, and the IQ of the people who wrote that email, conversation levels are going to be rock bottom...Anyway truly cool people don't measure their worth by hanging out at places like that...

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

David Bowie was at Upstairs tonight. Omg. It was ridiculous. I of course spoke to him over some space wine, and this is what he told me:

I too have beaten a dead horse once - it was as pained as this discussion thread. " Down by the Dumpster" "More like it". Get it? RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT? Little fat man///

I wonder what it's like in WAYNE'S WORLD? He does, afterall, have a 6-4-6 area code? I wonder where he works out...

If you should only go as a couple the first time you go, do you thereafter go as a few? Or just rock it solo? So may questions, so few answers...can always trust the Little Birdys!

Anonymous said...


Jordan said...

If I may - I believe the "little fat man" and david bowie references are a misplaced cross-reference between Extras and Flight of the Conchords.

But I concur: huh?

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